Reflection: 20th of June

"Slow down!"

I'm used to hearing this, but I never listen. I swear people must think I'm manic sometimes. I've defined my life, in many ways, by the activities I am involved in. Along with fulfilling roles as daughter, friend, sister, girlfriend etc., I have also labeled myself as a full time graduate student, an employee (of three part time jobs), and a dancer/choreographer for a local dance collective. Now it's strange, because the only thing I am committed to here is my internship. I've been averaging 35-40 hours a week, and yet I am so relaxed. Just having this one responsibility to focus on is so...counterintuitive. I'm really not used to it.

I found shillings at the hospital!

My supervisor told me yesterday to slow down. Said she loves my enthusiasm, but that I really should take it easy. I was eager to start working on another research project, as I am trying to do as much as I can with the time I have here. If you had told me to slow down 3 weeks ago, I would have looked at you and said "I can't," and that I hate standing still. After a day or two of vegging out, I get bored and antsy and ready to start again. I feel like life passes me by the days I sit inside and stare at a screen or not doing something "productive." I think if I'm not moving, I'll get caught in the gears of the world as she continues to spin around. I'm not OK with the idea of being ground up and trampled by time. In some ways that seems like the cruelest way to go: a lifetime wasted with nothing to show.

I know I am only three weeks into this experience, but I am already seeing the detriment that old lifestyle has had on me. I picture myself being quartered (much like William Wallace), pulled by all four limbs in different directions to my breaking point. I think that gruesome image being drawn to mind is enough to suggest that this way of life really is not healthy. Am I really accomplishing more by rushing? By doing too much in order to feel fulfilled, is that detracting from the true experiences that make for a full life? I know that I need to work to live, I know that school is where I want to be to help prepare for my future career, but what can I do differently when I leave here to find a balance between doing all of the things I want to do but not ignoring the fact that each day I'm getting a little bit older.

Coffee on my favorite bench

This is what I think I'm enjoying most about being here. I go to work, and work is an amiable place. I can leave if I want to when I'm done work, or I can stay and chat with my coworkers who are friendly, sociable, and like to hear my reflections on my experiences and to share their insights into living here. Then I can wander the town, which I often do, stop in a cafe for a take away coffee to sit in the park, or pop into the gallery or a store I've been eyeing. I don't have to worry about making it home at a certain time to leave for the next thing. I have had high anxiety for as long as I remember, and almost always when I am in a work situation. But not now...even halfway across the planet and completely on my own. I'm still trying to figure out why. I know I have to identify that before I can devise away to change my lifestyle for the better when I return home.


On that note, almost my whole office ended up leaving work early today. There was work being done on the electrical system, so with the power being shut off we lost our phone and computer access. We waited around for the last appointments of the day, and then headed off. I stopped at the post office to get more stamps (I've spend more money on postal supplies than food), grabbed myself a take-away coffee from a cafe I've been meaning to try, and after sitting by the bridge

View on my left from my favorite bench

for a while, I took a wander to a new part of town. It was beautiful out today. When I got back to the house after my 2hr detour, I watched a movie I've been meaning to for a while - A Dangerous Method. Not sure what else is happening tonight, but tomorrow is Friday! I took an exercise group class yesterday, and I am very sore, so having a break from the 3 mile roundtrip walk will be appreciated. But hopefully power will be restored at the hospital tomorrow so I can get some more work done!