MORE Transitions

This is my first (overdue) post back in the United States. After three incredible weeks of traveling around the British Isles following months of thriving abroad, I more or less dragged myself onto a jet plane, headed for Newark and before I new it, landed at "home." My first few days back, it was hard to pull myself off the couch, partially due to my scrambled sleep schedule; My REM cycles ended quickly, robbing me too soon of hazy visual narratives of my summer adventures, and leaving me to resume consciousness at a godless hour of the morning. At 4:00am, I could do nothing but stare at the ceiling, hoping that as the sun rose it would reveal the Scottish countryside outside the windows of the bedroom I share with my youngest sister - not the scenery of the flat, pine-barren lands of southern New Jersey.

No, transitioning home was not easy. It is still not easy - I've only been here a few days, after all. But I am doing what I can. After friends and family dragging me out of my teary-eyed-nostalgia-ridden-jet lagged-fetal-poised-almost comatose stupor in the first few days home, I decided to do something about my feelings which I can only seem to identify as akin to those of bereavement. I suppose at this point, some background would be helpful to understand the gravity and meaning of this transition for me.

Last year, as some of my readers may know, I had a really difficult time transitioning to life after moving home. In many ways, I felt that I had taken steps back from all the progress I made towards autonomy, and I felt disappointed in myself for failing to keep moving forward. I lived in a place surrounded by friends, was feeling able and ready to take on the future, and was optimistic of moving forward. But then, I moved back to a state of life that felt reminiscent of my first year of college when I chose to stay home - another really emotionally difficult time in my life, in which I felt so alone (most of my friends had moved away, and were finding themselves and enjoying life elsewhere) and again angry at myself for not fulfilling what potential I thought I had. Because of that, this past year I think I threw myself into doing too much - becoming a full-time graduate student was not doing enough to leave me feeling fulfilled. So I took on a Graduate Assistantship position at school, began to work 2 different jobs, and became a dancer and choreographer for a local dance company. But through all of my attempts to find something to fill up the emptiness I felt and regain my motivation, I was just left feeling burnt out. It was during this time that I decided I had to do something else. I poured whatever energy I had left after commuting three hours a day to school into creating a study abroad opportunity, and finally accomplish something I have always dreamed about.

This time around, I was able to pick myself up much more quickly. After creating an entire living abroad experience from scratch all on my own and seeing it through to the end, I realized I do have the ability to make changes in my life. In the 9 days since I resumed life in the United States, I began my second year as a full-time graduate student at Monmouth University, signed a lease on a place closer to school with my boyfriend, and received notice for a few potential job interviews. Slowly but surely, I think things are coming together, and making up for time which I still (however wrongly) consider lost. Though in the last few days I have had some doubts about my ability to make this new experience successful (will I find a new job fast enough, will the money spent on moving out be worth it, can we handle it financially, what if we fail), I think it is time we took the risk. In the end of it all, life is all about risks. I think one of my biggest fears is failing and disappointing people, which I identify as a reason why I often play it so safe. I am so indecisive constantly because I fear making the wrong choice. Historically, I have not had a great deal of faith in my abilities to accomplish what I hope to do. I know that I could have moved to Scotland for the summer and hated every second of it. However, I did not. It turned out to be exactly the opposite experience. I now am hopeful for the first time in a long time, about my ability to become fulfilled here. I do not think I could have done that without throwing myself into a completely new world over the summer. As cliche as it sounds, Scotland will always mean more to me than just the bullets I can identify on my curriculum vitae. In many ways, I felt more at home there than anywhere else I have lived- I hope one day in the future my life will provide me with an opportunity to spend time there again. Maybe for good? It is impossible to predict where I will end up, but I do hope this could be a viable option in the future. I know there is so much of this world left to explore, and so many other places for me to fall in love with.

I am not sure if I will continue to update this blog. Mostly, I feel that I accomplished what I set out to do with it - to document what I have learned and to reflect on the meanings I have taken from these experiences. I plan to post a few different photosets just to finish up the records for my last few weeks of the trip. But if I do not write another reflection post, I appreciate the time everyone has taken to follow my journey across the pond this summer. I hope you enjoyed it, and that maybe somehow my story will somehow encourage you to take your own leaps of courage. =)

Be Well,
 Lauren