Ireland: Days One and Two

I woke up early on a Friday morning, to catch my Ryanair flight into Dublin at 8am. The Ryanair flight was an experience all on it's own (complete with scratch cards being sold mid-flight, and a congratulatory jingle when we landed on time), and I was thankful to finally make it to the hostel. However, I was unable to check into the hostel until 4pm (I arrived around noon), so I dropped off my bags there and set out wandering. Paul was not set to arrive until the next day, so I took the time to orient myself to this new city. 

In hindsight, I probably should have taken a map with me initially and plotted out where I wanted to go. BUT I new that to get to the Temple Bar area, I had to just keep going right, and so that is what I did. I wandered around for a while, went into a number of stores, and just started taking in all of the city sights. A couple stopped and asked me directions on how to get to the castle (I should have been used to this type of event by now). Since I had just come from there, it was just luck that I was able to point them in that direction. Even after three months, I still find it funny how frequently I was mistaken for a local - until I spoke!

Later on, I went back to the castle to go explore the Chester Beaty Library. It was fascinating - an exhibit about eastern cultures that detailed the emergency of some of the world' major religions: Islam, Christianity, Judaism and Buddhism. Then, I wandered into a little cafe, where I had my first coffee of the day (about 3pm, far too late for my liking) and a panini. The busboy brought over my cappuccino and said "I tried to make you a heart, but I broke it." I instantly liked the place.

That evening, I actually met up with someone who I went to high school with, who just happened to be in Dublin at the same time! She had been traveling around Europe by herself for the summer, and Dublin was her last stop before flying home. It was really awesome to reconnect after 5 years, in a city that could not be more foreign to the both of us! 

It was a very LOUD night in the hostel - I did not really realize before hand that many Europeans come to Ireland to learn English. Being that the currency is the same (Euro) it makes sense. There were huge groups of Spanish speaking students who were taking residence at the hostel. I think it was the birthday of someone in their group, and so there was an obnoxiously loud party going on all hours of the night. One of my favorite things about hosteling is that you meet people from literally everywhere. But unlike other hostels I have stayed in, the people at this one more mostly disinterested in meeting others. I did meet a lovely brother and sister who were probably about my parents age, who were traveling together as they do every year. They did not speak English well either, and we all know how my French is, but we were able to carry on a number of conversations throughout my 5 day stay there! I did meet a few other people though, who I think I'll stay in contact through facebook.

Paul was due to arrive about 12:30pm the next day. However, I found out the morning he was due to arrive that his plane was delayed. He had a layover in London, and there was this whole fiasco where his initial flight was delayed and then he missed the connection. Not having any way to contact each other, I was kind of in the dark about when he would arrive. So in the morning, I got up and walked up to St. Patrick's cathedral, where I ate my breakfast of greek yogurt, fresh berries, and granola from a little cafe. I then went back to the hostel where I hung out with some of the people at the front desk who were obviously sensing my anxiety about Paul not having arrived, and then with another hostel friend whose company I enjoyed.

Then FINALLY, around 3pm, Paul arrived! As expected, he was super jet-lagged, so we just wandered around the Temple Bar area, went back to the little cafe I had the panini at the night before and prepared ourselves for the next three days of coach tours. We had an earlier night at the hostel, where we hung out with some of the folks who were watching Harry Potter in the TV room. Then it was up at 6am for the first day of our tours!

MORE Transitions

This is my first (overdue) post back in the United States. After three incredible weeks of traveling around the British Isles following months of thriving abroad, I more or less dragged myself onto a jet plane, headed for Newark and before I new it, landed at "home." My first few days back, it was hard to pull myself off the couch, partially due to my scrambled sleep schedule; My REM cycles ended quickly, robbing me too soon of hazy visual narratives of my summer adventures, and leaving me to resume consciousness at a godless hour of the morning. At 4:00am, I could do nothing but stare at the ceiling, hoping that as the sun rose it would reveal the Scottish countryside outside the windows of the bedroom I share with my youngest sister - not the scenery of the flat, pine-barren lands of southern New Jersey.

No, transitioning home was not easy. It is still not easy - I've only been here a few days, after all. But I am doing what I can. After friends and family dragging me out of my teary-eyed-nostalgia-ridden-jet lagged-fetal-poised-almost comatose stupor in the first few days home, I decided to do something about my feelings which I can only seem to identify as akin to those of bereavement. I suppose at this point, some background would be helpful to understand the gravity and meaning of this transition for me.

Last year, as some of my readers may know, I had a really difficult time transitioning to life after moving home. In many ways, I felt that I had taken steps back from all the progress I made towards autonomy, and I felt disappointed in myself for failing to keep moving forward. I lived in a place surrounded by friends, was feeling able and ready to take on the future, and was optimistic of moving forward. But then, I moved back to a state of life that felt reminiscent of my first year of college when I chose to stay home - another really emotionally difficult time in my life, in which I felt so alone (most of my friends had moved away, and were finding themselves and enjoying life elsewhere) and again angry at myself for not fulfilling what potential I thought I had. Because of that, this past year I think I threw myself into doing too much - becoming a full-time graduate student was not doing enough to leave me feeling fulfilled. So I took on a Graduate Assistantship position at school, began to work 2 different jobs, and became a dancer and choreographer for a local dance company. But through all of my attempts to find something to fill up the emptiness I felt and regain my motivation, I was just left feeling burnt out. It was during this time that I decided I had to do something else. I poured whatever energy I had left after commuting three hours a day to school into creating a study abroad opportunity, and finally accomplish something I have always dreamed about.

This time around, I was able to pick myself up much more quickly. After creating an entire living abroad experience from scratch all on my own and seeing it through to the end, I realized I do have the ability to make changes in my life. In the 9 days since I resumed life in the United States, I began my second year as a full-time graduate student at Monmouth University, signed a lease on a place closer to school with my boyfriend, and received notice for a few potential job interviews. Slowly but surely, I think things are coming together, and making up for time which I still (however wrongly) consider lost. Though in the last few days I have had some doubts about my ability to make this new experience successful (will I find a new job fast enough, will the money spent on moving out be worth it, can we handle it financially, what if we fail), I think it is time we took the risk. In the end of it all, life is all about risks. I think one of my biggest fears is failing and disappointing people, which I identify as a reason why I often play it so safe. I am so indecisive constantly because I fear making the wrong choice. Historically, I have not had a great deal of faith in my abilities to accomplish what I hope to do. I know that I could have moved to Scotland for the summer and hated every second of it. However, I did not. It turned out to be exactly the opposite experience. I now am hopeful for the first time in a long time, about my ability to become fulfilled here. I do not think I could have done that without throwing myself into a completely new world over the summer. As cliche as it sounds, Scotland will always mean more to me than just the bullets I can identify on my curriculum vitae. In many ways, I felt more at home there than anywhere else I have lived- I hope one day in the future my life will provide me with an opportunity to spend time there again. Maybe for good? It is impossible to predict where I will end up, but I do hope this could be a viable option in the future. I know there is so much of this world left to explore, and so many other places for me to fall in love with.

I am not sure if I will continue to update this blog. Mostly, I feel that I accomplished what I set out to do with it - to document what I have learned and to reflect on the meanings I have taken from these experiences. I plan to post a few different photosets just to finish up the records for my last few weeks of the trip. But if I do not write another reflection post, I appreciate the time everyone has taken to follow my journey across the pond this summer. I hope you enjoyed it, and that maybe somehow my story will somehow encourage you to take your own leaps of courage. =)

Be Well,
 Lauren

Transitions

I am currently taking a "time-out" from activities, and I felt it would be a good time to at least start writing this blog post! I am currently in the hostel in Dublin! I didn't get a chance to post yesterday about my last day in Scotland. It really seems like so much has happened since then.

Yesterday I met up with my supervisor and a few other coworkers to have lunch. We went to a Thai place, called "Lanna Thai" in Musselburgh. I hopped on the bus on the way there, as the rest of the team was already at the Musselburgh campus. It was so bittersweet, saying goodbye to everyone. They got me a lovely gift - a tea towel with lots of Scottish words on it, a box of chocolates, a lovely card, and a tin of Scottish biscuits. I bought a cake for everyone on Wednesday, wrote a card, and gave my supervisor a separate gift of chocolate bars and a card. It all in total ended up being a lot of money (I gave the family I"m living with a gift too), but I think it was worth it. I wish I could have done more. I am really going to miss everybody.

It was really strange walking home through Haddington for the last time. It is such a little town, also away from the tourist scene. It made me think about all the places in the world I still want to visit. I wonder if I will ever be back? I guess it is hard to say for certain, due to the list of places I want to see that is ever growing instead of shrinking - no matter how many locations are crossed off.

Walking over the Nungate bridge for the last time, I was fortunate enough to catch the family of swans at the perfect time. I think I posted a picture a few months ago when I first arrived in Scotland in which they were just little tiny babies. They're so big now. So grown up. I wonder if they'll decide to fly away or stay in Haddington.

I had a nice last evening with my host family as well. The gave me a lovely scarf as a going away gift! I hope they enjoyed having me stay there, as much as I enjoyed being there. While looking back, I think I could have handled living in Edinburgh and commuting to Haddington every day. It just would have been a completely different experience. I think in the end, I am glad I chose to live with a host family. They really did include me as a part of their family, and I think I learned so much more about the culture that way. If I was living with other students, I don't think I would have experienced what life is truly like in Scotland. I got to witness all the normal everyday stuff, talks about politics, social situations, family customs, etc. I'm really thankful they were so willing and generous enough to take me to all of these different places off the beaten tourist track - so many of them I would never have known about. I don't think I would have been able to get to most of them, either!

Last night after tea, we went down to this old mill in East Lothian and just spent a while walking around and talking about the summer. Like I usually do when faced with a life transition, I began sensing all these metaphors and symbolism in the world around me. When I first arrived in Scotland, it was still the springtime. The crops were just starting to grow, and quite a time away from reaching maturity. Everything was young, green and full of potential. Now, looking out over the golden fields, I realized it is almost time to harvest those same crops I compared to a rolling sea of green mere weeks ago. This acute awareness of the passing of time just seemed so fitting for where I have found myself now. Maybe I am over exaggerating it all, or over thinking it. But it feels like when I first stepped on that plane a few months ago to set out on my own, I was so ready to to just live, learn and grow from my new surroundings. I hope I did that. I believe I did. Ready or not, it is time to end this incredible, beautiful, challenging, surprising, long-awaited season in my life and transition forward into the next. The thing about the harvest is, you take from it what you planted. I just have to remember to keep nurturing these new seeds of change within me.

Fringe!

The Tattoo started, so the castle is all lit up, like
the Disney castle!

This past weekend I had another lovely surprise - my cousin Chris flew up from Paris where he has been staying for the past view weeks! This past Friday marked the official start to the famous Edinburgh Fringe Festival, so he chose a good week to come. In just a few hours, the peaceful city I have grown to adore over the last few months was utterly transformed. As they say here, it was absolutely heaving. But not in a bad way.

I think the locals here have a love/hate relationship with festival season. On one hand, the influx of people from all over the world bolsters the economy as well as infuses the arts on a larger scale through the capital city. However, the relatively quiet streets become completely packed with tourists and performers, and traffic becomes a nightmare as well. The Royal Mile took so long to get down, with crowds of spectators gathering around the street performers, and artists stopping you every few feet to hand you a flyer to an upcoming show. It is hard to recognize many of the streets, courtyards and old architecture, as they have been covered in Fringe advertisements or have been transformed into venues! It is such a contrast to the town I first found myself in a few months ago.

But I don't mean this in a negative way - everyone was in good spirits (probably because many had some spirits in them), and the overall energy of the scene was positive. Chris and I had a fantastic time wandering around the high street, stopping to view some incredible street performers or make conversation with people handing out circulars. I spent one night, Saturday, in the town with Chris, at Edinburgh campus dorms. It is located about a 20 minute walk or so away from the Mile, down by Holyrood Park.

I'm pretty sure the dorms were nicer than most rooms I've seen at home. I'm not sure if this is true, but it seems that they transformed the usual 1 bedroom rooms into a double room for the summer guests. I only wonder this because there was only one desk and one chair!

Predator

I'm so sad my phone ran out of memory space while I was recording, but the puppeteer actually made the puppet climb up me and put his face right on my phone. After that, I'm pretty sure I saw the birth of a phobia. Every time someone would try to put money in the collection hat, the puppet would block it somehow. A little boy went up to give a donation, and after being blocked by the puppet a few times, he burst out in to tears and ran away as the puppet chased him. Poor kid.

An amazing guitarist. I could have listened to this all day!

Chris and I, both being fans of Doctor Who, decided to take advantage of the opportunity to see a Doctor Who themed musical! It was really cute and fun. I've had a couple of the songs stuck in my head since then!

After the show, we headed to a pub to grab something to eat. I was really hungry (or so I thought) at this point, so I ordered a vegetarian haggis burger! Sounded interesting, and it was! But the size was not particularly friendly for those of us who do not have the jaw flexibility of a snake, and I ended up eating all I could with a fork. 

After that, we headed east down Holyrood to the base of Arthur's Seat. Some people say that this was once the location of the legendary Camelot, and thus, the reference to King Arthur. Arthur's Seat is actually a dormant volcano. I imagine people have always been fascinated by this strangely shaped formation. 

After another collecting my belongings from the room, and yet another cappuccino, it was time for me to head back. I really wish I could have stayed, but as this is my last week at my internship and my supervisor is back from holiday, it was important for me to return to my responsibilities. I had a great time though! I feel so blessed I have had the opportunity to stay connected with my family, even while halfway around the world! 

Glasgow

Oh my goodness, has it really been almost a week since I've posted? The time is just slipping away from me. I had a busy weekend (as usual), so I want to make sure I write about it while it is relatively recent! 

On Saturday, I went to Glasgow for a day just to hang out with the family I am living with. As you can see from the architecture, it looks very different than Edinburgh. It is much more industrial, and much busier. It actually reminded me of Philadelphia, in a way. Maybe because it was actually much more demographically diverse...Edinburgh has the tendency to lean towards the homogenous, it seems.

We had cake and coffee in a Russian cafe. I appreciated the puns.

 We shared this cake. I have no idea what it is called in Russian, but it was a lemon cake, with creamy walnut icing, and chocolate icing in between. The honey added a whole other layer of taste which was just lovely. I haven't had any cake like that before!

                                        There was also a TARDIS sighting in Glasgow.

On the way back from Glasgow, I was dropped off at the airport to meet my cousin, Chris! I'll explain more in the next post! 

Internship Reflection: The First of August

I had another really good day at my internship! But I have so much writing to do and no time to do it! I've been sitting in multiple sessions every day this week, and I really feel like in each one I am learning more.

An aside - I have realized I have some issues with terminology when referring to people who use psychological services. In the NHS, the term "patient" is used, which I'm not particularly comfortable with. It's very sterile word, I think. In therapy, we all bring our stories to the room - and some stories are less tidy than others. It's not a sterile environment, it's often emotional, deep, messy and raw. But for the sake of trying to frame everything in the way people do here and assimilate to the language used, I've been trying to use that. The term "client," which is used at home, isn't really used here at all, except maybe by folks in private practice, which I really have not had too much exposure to. Some divisions of the mental health services, such as the Intensive Home Treatment Team use "service users." I don't really like that either. I previously had an internship where people were called "consumers," which I also feel is really impersonal. So I've been trying to say just "person," and that is a little bit awkward too...so sorry if my reflections on narrative seem disjointed...words are failing me.

I think last week I may have mentioned the one session I sat on with a person who was very sociable and loquacious. We had another appointment with her today, and like last time, it seemed like the therapist rarely got any words in. While she really has no one to talk to or confide in in her life, it seems like absolutely everything is spilled all at once during the hour. Because of that, the session ends up with us listening and the therapist briefly reacting in between verbalizations from the person, before the dialogue returns to a monologue. The person has said she always feels better after sharing everything, just getting it all out in the open. While this is perfectly fine and sometimes people need to vent, she is really eager to start learning new techniques (this is a CBT therapist's case), to address her negative automatic thoughts and hopefully challenge some of her core beliefs. However, it has been a few sessions like this now and it is not as productive use of time as it could be. We actually went a whole 30 minutes over in the session today (I have doubts whether that would happen in private practice)! I suggested to the therapist afterwards that maybe seeing if the person would be interested in journaling as a way to get her thoughts out in the open. Maybe have her journal throughout the week, and each night read the entry from the day before, to increase the processing of events, emotions, and her reactions. Maybe then, the sessions can become a little bit more focused, and the time spent with the therapist can be more focused on pulling apart specific thoughts, feelings, and reactions rather than just 90 minutes of narrative of everything that has happened over the week. The therapist really actually liked this idea, and that made me happy. I second guess myself a lot, and I often feel like I don't share my ideas out of fear they will be rejected or criticized. I am just a student after all, so I know that I cannot give "professional opinions." So I was pleased when my idea was taken well. It really is such a little thing, but it made me feel more confident anyway.

After this session, I really noticed how worn out I was from the fast-pace of the time spent with this person. It's been a great experience for me getting to sit on multiple sessions back to back because I notice my own reactions as well. There is so much to think about when in a session, including body posture, physical reactions, when it is ok to laugh with the client and when it can be damaging or facilitating a negative coping pattern, etc. etc. Even though I'm not facilitating the therapy myself, I try to think about what I would say and what I would ask. I'm learning the phrase "I wonder..." is my friend.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring!

Internship and Yoga

I am in this strange place right now of being completely exhausted from today, but so awake and aware of the world.

View from a session room

I got up earlier than usual to go to the hospital today to get a lift to Dunbar for a 9:30am appointment. However, I got there and discovered the person called to cancel - a very unsurprising event in this field. So the next appointment we had was at half-ten, so I had a little longer in the office to prepare myself for the day.

The case was really interesting, because it turned out to be completely different than expected, when considering the referral letter the GP wrote. What was described as a lack of motivation, general disinterest in life and angry outbursts in the letter, presented as a possible emerging psychosis case...just a brief summary, the client, in young 20's, revealed persistent auditory hallucinations and muttering to one-self. What the GP identified as "angry" outbursts, the person clarified as "episodes" of extreme emotion (though unable to identify which emotions are felt at the time) that cannot be predicted or stopped. It includes yelling, and punching walls until it hurts so much the person becomes aware of what they are doing and is able to calm down. The episodes can be in reaction to any trigger, even just someone saying "hello" - which has happened. Memory sequencing was really hazy - has a really hard time remembering how things happened, such as how they ended up somewhere. Disturbed sleep and eating patterns, does nothing but sit at the computer the whole day (failed out of Uni), avoids crowds and groups of people as much as possible, family history of depression. Lack of self care - a romantic partner attended the assessment for support, and described how the client sometimes goes a week or more without showering, and described a "doing less for that age than is acceptable" in terms of hygiene. The person also gets stuck on certain questions, such as "how to self-pollenating plants produce diverse offspring." The client was very shy, and looked to the partner to answer many of the questions. However, there was dialogue suggesting that the person was disinterested in pursuing therapy at this point, until there was a reason - a diagnosis.

Through The Meadows - a view of Arthur's Seat

 I am obviously not yet qualified to make a diagnoses, but thankfully the therapist I sat in with really encourages me to share my initial thoughts and ideas before she reveals her own analysis. We were pretty much on the same page with this one...just something to be discussed further. SO this particular case will be referred to the psychiatrist who will look more closely at the incidents of auditory hallucinations, the "episodes," and try to dig more deeply into the home life, as during this initial session there was a great deal of avoidance going on from that subject. The fact that this person is the prime age for the onset of psychosis was also a concern for the therapist. So we will see, I suppose. Hopefully we get feedback from the Psychiatrist before I leave!

Then after work, one of the clinical psychologist trainees I work with drove me into Edinburgh where we attended a yoga class. It was a Mysore style class, which basically means you go in and do your own thing under the supervision of the instructor. I have never attended a Mysore class before, and it's been a while since I've done yoga, so I had a hard time remembering the proper Ashtanga sequences. It was an extremely diverse class in terms of level. There were some people doing really advanced inverted postures, including a man three times my age or more. There was that feeling of intense concentration in the room, and the methodical sound of breathing provided ambience to the setting. Everyone did what they could at whatever level they could manage. It was nice to just focus on the movement instead of life for a while. As someone very inspirational once told me, "we spend too much time in our heads, and not enough time in our bodies." I feel more reconnected now.

After the class, we hopped over to the pub around the corner. Of course it started pouring as we left the studio, so we took shelter there for a while! I had about an hour and a half before an appropriate bus came to get me at Princes Street, so it was nice to chat over coffee after the day. Eventually, it was time to head off, so I began my walk up through The Meadows, up Chambers Street passed Edinburgh University, the National Museum, and the Red Elephant Cafe, across the Royal Mile, and down the stairs across The Mount to meet Prince's Street. Along the way, I saw many changes to the city made in preparation for the Fringe Festival! Everything officially starts on Friday, but today and tomorrow there are preview shoes! Now I am home, sleepy but relaxed, and in disbelief it is already midnight and I have to be up in less than 8 hours.

hours!